Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tummy Tuesday- Poop Happens

One year ago today I was in labour. I can think of no better tribute to that beautiful event then to talk at lenght about pooping during labour. I know Miss K is going to love this but hey after a whole mushy post about her yesterday she will probably let this one slide.

Put a group of women in the room and if they have children or if someone in the group is pregnant the conversation will eventually get around to labour stories. Some try to sugar coat labour to save expectant moms from any unnecessary pre labour anxiety others relish the opportunity to tell their tales of pain and gore like they are reciting scenes from Nightmare on Elmstreet. One of the fears of expectant mothers whether they will admit it or not is that they are going to poop on the delivery table. Well I am here to tell you that it is not a big deal and you should really stop worrying about it. If you are pregnant don't spend one minute stressing out about pushing out more than just your baby.

Here is the truth. We all poop. Whether you are old or young pregnant or not everyone poops. The queen poops, Megan Fox, who is wicked hot and guys love her she poops and editors still put +her on the covers of magazines. The doctor delivering your baby just pooped this morning so did the nurse and they don't care if while you are pushing that you do. In fact if that happens that means you are doing it right.

We live in a society where we dog owners follow around their pets through the park with a plastic baggie. We stand and watch them do their business and when they are finished we pat them on their head and say "good job and way to go" Pooping is a celebration! Yet mention it to someone who is in their ninth month of pregnancy and they panic.

Nobody in the history of parenting has ever sent out an announcement to their friends and family with this Caption:

"It's a Girl! Fred and Sally are pleased to announce the birth of a beautiful girl. Sally pushed out a eight pound five ounce girl and some poop....six ounces to be exact. "

My point is everyone is focusing on the baby and no one in the delivery room cares about anything but you and the baby. Besides for the next two years all you are going to do on a daily basis is deal with poop. The first time your baby poops prepare yourself for what can only be described as a molasses explosion. You lift your babies legs up and it is like a tube of toothpaste that just keeps coming. The baby's first poop is called "meconium" and is intestinal epithelial cells, lanugo, mucus, amniotic fluid, bile, and water. Meconium is almost sterile, unlike later feces, is viscous and sticky like tar, and has no odor.

So here is my advice for preparing for your birth.

When you are in the last month of your pregnancy, do not go out for a huge Mexican meal.

Don't invite anyone into the delivery room who has never seen you naked or pooping. (Parents, spouses, kids, doctors and nurses all fall into the acceptable category.)

Have your husband chose his video camera angle carefully. My brother once descibed watching his wife give birth was like, "watching his favorite restaurant blow up in his face." ( I guess that is somewhere you really enjoy going but maybe he just lost his appetitie.)

Do not try to get off the bed when you are 10 cm because you have to visit the little ladies room. If you weren't embarrassed to puke in the sink of the bar that one time you got drunk and your friends had to clean you up and take you home then this should be a breeze. At least this time you get something really awesome at the end of the embarrassing story.

Wear socks in labour. You never feel truly naked when you are wearing socks.

No matter what your birthing plan is be ready for changes even if you are that Dugger Lady who is a baby cannon with a clown car crotch that kids just jump out of and this is your 19th delivery you still might not know exactly what is going to happen. She probably will just poop out this newest little baby or bend down to tie her shoes and it will just fall out like on a bungie cord.....

Just know the most important thing is that at the end of it all the process is nothing less than a miracle....Poop and all.

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