Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Tummy Tuesdays- Part Four- "Testing Testing 1,2,3"

From even before you are pregnant there are tests! You can purchase an over the counter ovulation test kit to help you get pregnant, the new pregnancy tests are so sensitive they can detect if you are pregnant before you have any symptoms. If you buy the twin test kit with two tests in it and they both come back positive it does not mean you are having twins. They have made the tests easier and easier to read so that you can tell if you are having a baby or not. My opinion is that if you can't tell whether there is a + or - sign on the stick or if you think the pregnancy test is too expensive maybe you should look into adopting a puppy or kitten instead of having a baby because puppies and kitties won't bring home math homework in five years for you to help them with. Speaking of puppies and kitties when you go to the SPCA to adopt and animal there are forms that you have to fill out that prove to someone in authority that you will be able to care for this animal physically, financially, emotionally and that you have thought over this serious decision and you are ready for the commitment.

Can you imagine if the same was true for having a baby? I can picture it a young couple walking up to the counter to apply for a conception certificate that will allow them to have a baby. You would be seated in the lobby and asked to fill out a stack of forms.

Name: (I hope you can answer this without any help from your partner or by looking to see where your mom wrote it in your underwear)
Age: (I am not sure if there is a right answer for this one.)
Occupation: (What you do to make a living now)if your application is accepted and you become a parent your new full time job will be, bum changer, nose wiper, slave to the laundry room, cuddler, human milk machine, 24 hour a day supportive caregiver.

Answer the following questions yes or no. If you have more yes answers than no answers your application will be denied for conception at this time:

Do you like sleep all night?
Do you like to sleep in on weekends?
Do you like to sleep without another person in your bed kicking you in the face, scratching you eyes or peeing on you?
Do you like to spend all your money on yourself?
Would you mind having stretch marks, hemorrhoids, droppy boobs, drippy boobs, bread dough stomach, muffin top and never putting your belly button ring back in ?
Do you like to eat your lunch sitting at the table?
Do you like to eat your supper while it is hot?
Do you like to talk on the phone and hear what the other person is saying to you?
Are you planning on naming your baby after a vampire or video game character or by putting a poll on your facebook page?
Do you have at least three seats in your car?
Is the material in your vehicle resistant to pee, poo, snot, puke, popcorn twist, milk, juice boxes and granola bars?
Do you mind giving up watching your tv shows to watch Barney, Teletubies, Dora, Diego, Four Square, Yo Gaba Gaba?

"Hey Hey come back here.......You didn't finish filling out the forms....."

This weeks season premier of Desperate Housewives really hit the nail on the head when Lynette Scavo (who I can so relate to) was in the Ob/Gyn's office with a young, excited mother. Their conversation went like this,

"You will never wear a bikini again."
"But you've had four kids and you look good!
"You haven't seen me naked. My stomach looks like Spanish stucco and my breasts resemble two balloons you find behind the couch a week after the party."
"You know most women say this is the greatest experience of their life."
"Most women are liars. My mother was a liar and her mother was a liar and your mother is a liar. It is a lie that ever generation tells the next so they can get grandchildren."
"Stop talking to me."
"No you need to hear this. You have to be prepared. Your children will hate you and steal from your purse. Your husband will begin to buy your birthday presents at the car wash and the kicker is for the rest of your life there will be so many moments when you feel lonely but you will never be alone."
The young lady starts to cry......

Ahh That was great I laughed and then I cried!

(Sorry Miss K I know you hate Tummy Tuesdays but you will be ok! You can go do something fun at University that I should have appreciated more when I was there!)

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